Good Enough for Me

GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME

AUGUST 1, 2014 CRISIS MENDER LEAVE A COMMENT EDIT

When we don’t have approval, we feel we are inadequate, unrecognized, or a failure. We feel like we just need to try harder. “If only I…” is the thought that plagues our minds. We torture ourselves, if not during the day, then when we try to fall asleep at night. For hours we may toss and turn, rolling around in our sheets just as the thoughts roll around in our minds. Turning, turning, and turning over, all without resolution. Or, we may try to drown out our self-criticism with drugs or alcohol, consuming until we no longer feel connected to anything real.

Eventually, we have to say, “Enough”. Enough trying and not getting the recognition we deserve. Enough struggling and still being told we could do better. Enough having to be supervised or micromanaged for tasks we are capable to doing ourselves. And enough beating our emotional selves up for not getting the love, attention, or support we so desperately want. We have to accept that the people we have been seeking approval from may not be able to give us what we want. That doesn’t mean they can’t give some of what we want. It just means that they may be incapable of giving us all that we want the way we want it.

Once we accept that those we look up to simply aren’t capable of meeting our needs the way we want, we begin to feel lighter, freer, and more at peace. No longer are we tormented by our inner demons of criticism. Slowly, we stop finding fault with ourselves. Eventually, we stop finding fault with others. We begin to see hope, possibility, beauty, and love in places we had missed before. Finally, we stop holding on for dear life and begin to simply enjoy the ride.

IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU

Category Archives: Break-Ups

BREAK-UPS, CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS, DIVORCE, INFIDELITY, SUBSTANCE ABUSE

IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU

JULY 7, 2014 LEAVE A COMMENT

I often meet people when they are in great pain. Frequently, their pain has to be extremely intense before they are willing to ask for help and seek professional therapy. Once in my office, their stories unfold. Loves lost to death, to fear, to shallow appearances, to drugs, and to the lure of others. In sorrow and anger, the ones who have lost repeatedly ask a rhetorical, “What did I do?” without realizing the true nature of their question.

Therapy is a place to look at your feelings, your thoughts, your concerns, your choices, and your interactions. But sometimes in life, it just isn’t about you. Relationship books will tell you to get in shape, not to be so needy, not to call so soon, that you can make the difference and save someone (who isn’t ready to be saved), to get more confidence, to be bold, to get more active, to become more interesting, and to not discuss importance or truly meaningful topics: be fun, shallow, and rescuing. But those books don’t send the right message: Be yourself.

People in our lives are as complicated as we are. Sometimes they react to just who we are, what we said, and what we did. But often, they also react to whom we remind them of, who in their past sounded like what we said, and whom has hurt/angered/betrayed/abandoned/accepted/stimulated them before. Each of us experiences the world in layers: layers of the past and the present. These interact during all of our interchanges with others.

So, sometimes, someone reacts negatively to us for “no good reason” if we only look at the present layer. The reason for their reaction may lie in layers of their past. Sometimes someone takes offense, doesn’t like us, or rejects us because something we do resonates with something within them about themselves which they don’t want to see. This makes them uncomfortable. So, they get angry, decide they don’t like us, or break-up with us. But it isn’t really about us or our intentions. It’s just not always about you.

When someone cheats on us, it is usually about the person who does the cheating. They may blame us. They may think “the other” person is prettier, handsomer, more exciting, more patient, more fun, more interesting, or more open to be daring. Yet, these are really feelings awakened within the cheating person—feelings which could be awakened by many people in many settings, including their spouse in their marriage. The person who cheats has to discover this. And the person who gets cheated on has to understand this too. Sometimes, it’s not always only about you.

Drugs can lure people astray too. When our loved one is using to the point of oblivion, fails to show for work to get drunk or high, has lost their job, fails to attend social events to get high, is no longer welcome at social events because they come drunk or high, are losing their housing/car/job/savings due to drug or alcohol use, or have become involved with the legal system directly or indirectly due to drugs or alcohol, we cannot save them. They have to want to be saved. They have to choose to stop their self destructive behavior. You can’t make them, reason with them, or trust their statements any more. Paying for their rehab is a waste of your money if they aren’t completely ready for change. Hitting bottom can be lower than anything you can imagine, but until the addict gets to the bottom, they aren’t done. There is nothing you can do. And nothing you did. You didn’t put the alcohol to their lips, snort the drugs up their nose, or inject the drugs into their veins. They did. So only they can decide to stop. Just like seeking therapy, their pain has to hurt badly enough to make recovery seem like an attractive option. But you can’t do it for them. It is not always about you.

So, now that you know that, how does this change your feelings about whatever interaction or relationship is bothering you? Does it explain things in a new way you haven’t thought of before? Maybe it should. Breathe deeply for the first time in a long time. It’s just not always about you.

ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICSBLAMEBREAK-UPSEMPTINESSFAILUREINFIDELITYSUBSTANCE ABUSE

The Prison of Anxiety

THE PRISON OF ANXIETY

JUNE 17, 2014 

Recently, I have been working with a handful of people who suffer from extreme anxiety. Some even have panic attacks where their heart races, their hands sweat, they may get a headache, they may have knots in their stomach, they may fear they are having a heart attack, and they may need to get away from people or out of a room. These feelings cluster together in a most frightening, escalation of sensation for about 10-20 minutes. Finally, they subside. But usually the person has left the situation, room, or setting by then, so they think that leaving was the solution to their discomfort and fear.

For those of you with similar experiences, such episodes and the alleged “solution” that follows probably causes you to think that staying away from social gatherings or large spaces or tight spaces or whatever you fear will keep you safe. But then, you start to worry about possibly ending up in a situation, or being in one when you hadn’t anticipated it, and you worry about that. Sometimes the worry brings on a mini panic attack in itself. Even avoiding the world fails to offer complete safety. You probably feel trapped, entombed in a prison of your anxiety.

Working through anxiety is no picnic, either. First, you will have to learn that if you allow yourself to feel the fear for 10-15 minutes, it will go away all on it’s own. Really, it will. I often tell my clients: Feelings just are. They are neither good nor bad. We do not choose them or control them. We simply feel them. What we choose to DO with them, (how we act on our feelings), can be good or bad. But simply having feelings just is. All humans have them. Having feelings alone never killed anyone; only how some individuals chose to act on their feelings may have done them harm. Anxiety and panic are extremely uncomfortable feelings. Despite how it feels, though, you can endure them.

Next, you may need to consider taking medication, which is a tool, not a crutch. Living with anxiety and doing something about it is certainly not a sign of weakness! Taking anxiety medication as prescribed for 6 months or a year can break the cycle of panic and give you the confidence you need to be able to see past the fear and into peace.

Then, working together we can come to discover the rupture in important relationships that gave birth to your anxiety. Maybe someone repeatedly let you down emotionally, if not also physically. Most likely, you felt helpless and out of control. You developed anxiety as the warning light, notifying you of “danger ahead”. Whenever you start to feel overwhelmed, out of control, or like something might not go right, the danger signal of anxiety sounds the alarm. When this happens, you attend to the anxiety, often choosing to escape the situation that made you feel unsafe in the first place and the uncomfortable feelings go away.

Your criteria used to determine if a person or situation as unsafe is probably frozen in time or seen through the distortion of catastrophic crisis. You may use a child’s or victim’s reference to determine what is safe and what is dangerous. But as adults not in the throws of crisis, we have many more tools—emotional, physical, and legal—to navigate life to keep ourselves safe. Going back and figuring out where your hurt and sense of danger occurred and learning to embrace all of your tools of defense take time and can be a difficult. Yet is it also a highly rewarding process.

Helping people struggle with such great pain is a very humbling experience. Seeing them touch their strength is motivating and inspiring. Watching them move beyond their prison of anxiety to stand safely on their own is the most incredible feeling, for them and for me. It can be for you, too. So stand tall and free, going wherever you want and doing whatever you please without fear and anxiety.

Learning I Matter | Crisis Mender

Category Archives: Children of Alcoholics

CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS, EMPTINESS

LEARNING I MATTER

FEBRUARY 27, 2014

Some people grow up in a family that somehow leaves them feeling rejected, discounted, or like they don’t matter. This is often the case where a parent is involved in alcohol or drugs. The children end up having to physically and/or emotionally fend for themselves much of their childhood. As a result, the children feel they don’t matter.  After all, if they mattered, wouldn’t the parent stop abusing the substance and put the needs of their child first?

You’d think so, but that isn’t how addicts handle their addiction. For them, nothing is as important as getting drunk or high. Without their substance, they cannot function, they tell themselves. They don’t want to deal with their feelings about their own lives, their childhoods, their traumas, and the mess they are making of their current lives. They don’t want to deal with their spouse’s feelings or their children’s feelings or needs. Instead, they numb out with their substance. Momentary bliss that dissolves into a more painful reality that the one they left before their last high, soon to be followed by another momentary bliss to escape once again.

Growing up with a parent like that leaves you feeling empty. Where love, concern, and your parent’s ability to hold the emotions you, as a growing child, didn’t know how to handle should be, something is missing. It is just a giant hole in your stomach, your heart, or your soul. Because the truth is, we all need to feel like our parent(s) or parent figures cherished us. We need to feel like we were loved unconditionally. We need to feel secure, knowing that our parents held us in their mind’s eye when we weren’t physically there, never forgetting us, and holding onto us forever. When our parent(s) did not do that, we are missing a large piece of ourselves. And we don’t know how to find it.

This is where life experience and therapy come into play. From our early experiences, we feel that we cannot trust anyone. So, it is hard for us to reach out to others, even professional therapists. We feel we secretly don’t really belong to the groups of which we are members (i.e. work, church, sports team, etc.). We feel like we secretly aren’t like other people and fear others will find out that we have a giant hole inside. So, we stay on the periphery of groups or avoid them altogether to hide ourselves away. And the thought of going to tell a stranger our real feelings is both terrifying and surreal.

But often we need these two things the most. We need to have other experiences with other people to find that we are valid individuals who do matter. We need to meet lots of non-addicts to discover that not everyone is like our parent(s). We need to let ourselves get to know a broader spectrum of people so that we can have better experiences, let ourselves be loved, and let ourselves heal.

Often, we need a professional to help guide us through this maze of frightening possibilities. We need someone else to point out the kindness and caring others extend and to validate to us that those expressions of others are real and really for us. We need to have someone who remembers everything about us from week to week, month to month, so that we learn to tolerate the caring and concern of another.

Eventually, we find that the hole in our soul has grown much smaller. We no longer feel empty. We no longer feel lost. And we come to know we matter.

ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICSEMPTINESSPAINFUL CHILDHOOD

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3 Ways to Get Through the Holidays After a Loss | Crisis Mender

3 WAYS TO GET THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS AFTER A LOSS

DECEMBER 22, 2013 CRISIS MENDER

The first holiday season after a loss is especially difficult. Here are three suggestions to help you through this holiday season.

1. Spend time with those who share your loss. After a loss, the colorful baubles, dazzling lights, and blaring carols can seem like painful reminders of past time with your lost loved one. With the glitz of the decor in the malls and stores, the rushing around of traffic, and the planning of what to give each person on your list, it is easy to become overwhelmed and sink into depression. But the entire reason for the season is to share your appreciation and love of those around you. So, spending quality time with those who share your loss can be healing. Look at pictures from the past. Tell stories of your favorite times and worst times with the one you’ve lost. Tell about when you met. Tell about the silliest thing you ever shared. Tell about the most meaningful thing they every did for you. Tell about the embarrassing moments that are funny in retrospect. Share your 

pain and your joy at remembering. It’s even okay to let yourself laugh.

2. When you are having a bad day, surround yourself with things that feel good, even if they are not holiday related. Maybe for you, that means taking “a day off”, or even taking the season off. If facing the holidays is too painful, give yourself permission not to do as much as you usually do. Give yourself permission to not get all the decorations up, to not get all the cards out on time or at all, or to not participate in all the activities you normally would. In the place of whatever you don’t do, place something in your day or season that is comforting. This may be leisurely lunch shared with a close or longtime friend. Or placing a goofy photo of your loved one’s one of his or her most adorable moments on the tree may be more your style. Curling up in bed for the day with the blankets drawn close and hot tea on your bedside is a great way to soothe your days of greatest heartache. Honor your loss. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve. Then get back up and try again.

3. Do something special. Whether it is your first year or your 

twelfth, do something that honors your loss. Find a charity that represented something important to your loved one and donate or give, as you are able. Go to your loved one’s favorite place and have a conversation with them, silently or aloud. Visit someone who was significant to your loved one, maybe reaching out to people they knew but you didn’t know so well; it may help both of you to feel better. If you set up a tradition of doing something, it becomes a special time in the holiday. A time to let yourself be sad, or happy. A time that is reserved for your feelings about your loved one. Make this a tradition in future years. Having a way to honor those we love keeps them alive in our hearts.

Remember that the sorrow you feel is proportional to the love you have for whomever you’ve lost. One way or another, you will get through the holidays. They will pass. Eventually, things will get better.

December | 2013 | Crisis Mender

5 REASONS NOT TO MAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

DECEMBER 31, 2013 CRISIS MENDER

  1. I am just going to break them anyway
  2. I always fail, so why try?
  3. Resolutions just highlight that I’m doing something wrong or not good enough. Why do I need to remind myself of my current failures?
  4. If I don’t fail, I will have to keep up the change all year. Who wants to work that hard?
  5. I might actually like the change.

Can you relate to this thought pattern? I certainly can! Making resolutions to change really does reek of failure, past and present with a healthy dose of foreshadowed future. Do I need to remind myself that I fail every year, or that I fail in my everyday life? Not really. I have parents, snooty co-workers, and kids for that!

But the possibility of change is a strong lure. The possibility of improving something, no matter how small, is very attractive. I suppose I don’t have to tell anyone. I could just make the resolution and keep it to myself. That way my failure isn’t so public, but neither is my success. That’s okay. The changes are for me anyway, right? I am the one who wants them. I am the one who commits to them. I am the one who has the right to judge me—no one else.

So, if I decide to take the risk of failure, I also take the risk of success. If I take the chance of ending up back at the same place, I also take the chance of ending up somewhere different. That might make me a happier, healthier person. Who wants that? No, I should just skip the resolution and stay right where I am. It’s safer, even if I am a little miserable. Success is highly overrated anyway, right? Or maybe not.